So I realized my blog was...well emo and sad and depressing and pretty much everything I need to not have in my life right now. I mean hell, I have enough of it already.
Lately my depressions been kicking my ass again, I want to cry pretty much at the stupidest things. All I want to do is sit in my room, listen to music and not do...well anything...anything at all. All the stress of the last few years is building up and its hard to fight it and its even harder to not just give up.
I'm trying to make my life work, I'm finally going to school and actually trying. I'm attempting to get my health under control but it seems EVERY time I attempt to do this I just get slapped in the face, thrown under the bus and I'm supposed to survive it somehow.
My Daily Stress
..I know this is mostly for me but I do want people to see what I'm dealing with
The first of my main stresses these days starts at the place I call home. My Mom and Dad are getting along all right but after my dads accident a while ago things have been shaky at times, and it always seems that they cant compromise. My little brothers and their issues just add onto this, especially lately with us having problems with his 1st grade teacher. His Devilish self just seems to be the most common one these days, which causes fighting between my brothers and in the end run causes my parents to fight. I try to help...let my mom vent to me talk to my dad, hell even attempt to stop the fighting before it starts...but its just our nature at home. Coopers finally doing better but.....his friends dont like his tag along brother which makes it hard for him. And then my beautiful Sister, just flat out doesnt get along with my Mom it seems. Every little thing ticks her off about her, I attempt to help mom talk to my sister but it just seems to always fall apart like me attempting to help doesnt do shit. But this is just life I suppose
My second major stress at this moment would be me attempting to find a new job and dealing with new upper management at my current one. Unfortunately due to me slacking in school these last few years I cant get financial aide so I work full time to pay for school and my medical bills which Ill discuss later. Due to me pretty much hating my job these days, having a huge load of change and then coming home and applying for others...I just cant handle it anymore. I feel like (even though its not true) that I never have down time. It seems like my life is working around work.
My third but not final cause of my stress is my health. My psoriasis has been getting worse and worse, and while i finally got through all the loops to get the drugs I need (which has almost been a year now) My lovely insurance company decided to add another thing to the table. I have to go through a specialty pharmacy that mails me my drugs...well the problem is...even though we've contacted them on multiple occasions they haven't followed through and sent me my shit yet. I CAN get this from a local pharmacy but then it would cost me about $2000 for one months treatment..and that's just something I cant afford.
And then on to the fun things thats build up is finally getting to a breaking point, after almost 2 years now..I'm still not over the PTSD from my brothers "adventure" in the hospital. Just a couple months ago Cooper and to go to the ER again because he fell out of a tree and ripped open is ballsack. My dad told me this at work...and for the first time ever I cried at work in front of my Assistant Manager. Even now just typing this tears start to fall and its not over him getting hurt again, hes already fine. Its just the thought of that damned hospital, it took all my emotions just to get myself to drive up there with my dad to bring some supplies. Cause you see, even still to this day I could walk with my eyes closed to my little brothers room. I still see his face, I hear his cries of pain, I remember the first time we were able to take him to the balcony hooked up to all the machines that kept him alive just so he could see the outside world. And I just fucking lose it, when my dad was at the U of U hospital earlier this year I legitimately just ignored the entirety of primary childrens on the way up, I didn't even look to my right hand side. Some days I'm surprised I don't cry when I see my little brother smile.
But anyways, I need to look up somehow...and I just don't see it anymore. I have my good days..but then I get home and my personal dementor jusfucking takes everything away and I again wonder why... what is there for me, why do I even matter.
t
I'm lonely world..how can I find someone or something to make this better?
Posted by
Austen Willes
comments (2)
